Happy Christmas Eve Eve everybody! We know that the holidays are a bit unusual this year, but that doesn’t mean we don’t get to be merry and jolly! It’s been a difficult year for all of us, which is all the more reason we want to be with loved ones around the holidays and yet many of us are unable to see friends and family due to lockdowns. However, we can still make the best of it by using the technology that’s available to us.
For those who feel disillusioned by the holiday season this year, we here at Writer’s Block have some recommendations to help you recover the Christmas spirit! Each board member has written up something that they want to share, (including a lot of, but not limited to, Christmas movies), so light your fireplace (or play some ambient fire sounds on YouTube), put on “Mistletoe” by Justin Bieber on repeat, grab a mug of hot cocoa, and settle in!
If you like hate-watching lousy Christmas movies, The Princess Switch on Netflix is the one for you! Vanessa Hudgens plays a) Stacy, a talented baker struggling to get over her ex, and b) Lady Margaret Delacourt, a non-British duchess with a terrible British accent. Of course, as is the case with doppelgangers in movies, they switch places and hilarity ensues! Seriously, it’s a terrible movie by itself, but if you watch it with a friend or two it’s immensely entertaining. And yes, there is a sequel.
Die Hard (1988) is considered by many as the ultimate Christmas movie. The claim is relatively controversial, but there are a lot of die-hard Die Hard fans so if you disagree you should keep it to yourself, or else…“Yippee-Ki-Yay, motherf**ker”! Anyway, Bruce Willis, who (rather miraculously) still has some hair on his head in this one, is playing an NYPD cop named John McClane, a cult and all-time favourite cop figure. The plot is a case of “that escalated quickly”: John arrives in LA in an attempt to reunite with his estranged wife Holly McClane… erm Gennaro… (Bonnie Bedelia) for Christmas. However, he soon finds himself having to deal with a major hostage situation since, during his visit to her company’s Christmas party in Nakatomi Plaza, a group of terrorists led by the ruthless Hans Gruber (Alan Rickman) hijack the proceedings… Without any real help from the clueless LAPD and FBI – who end up creating problems rather than fixing them—and also without his shoes (damn you random guy on the plane!), our hero attempts to take out the terrorists single-handedly in a deadly game of cat-and-mouse whilst also protecting his wife and the rest of the hostages. Due to the gunfire, explosiveness, non-stop action and constant tension, it is mostly seen as a movie embodying the golden age of the 80s action flick, yet it also is—arguably, at least!—a timeless Christmas tale where the values of friendship, family and the will to survive and reunite with your loved ones take centre stage.
The first thing I think of when I hear the term ‘Christmas movie’ are TikToks. You know the ones depicting every Christmas movie in under 60 seconds? A successful city woman is forced to go back to her hometown… where she meets the most unlikely character and… surprise! They fall in love. Honestly, in my opinion these TikToks tell you all you need to know about Christmas movies. But, as my partner is a fervent defender of any Christmas movie—be it one concerning royals, being stuck in the snow… or whatever else they decide to recycle today—I feel compelled to at least give you guys one recommendation. If we are watching the same blue-print as the last years anyways, why not at least progress from the heteronormative trope? Happiest Season offers just that: a queer Christmas movie! The film follows Abby (Kristen Stewart) and Harper (Mackenzie David), a couple who visit Harper’s parents for Christmas. The only problem? Harper hasn’t come out yet. Even worse, she lied about it to her girlfriend! Sounds like a recipe for disaster right? Was it amazing? Not really. Did I watch it for the plot or for Kristen Stewart?—Mind your own business. We don’t have much to go around with here, okay? At least, watching this movie is a great progression from heteronormative-only Christmas movies. Plus, a great bonus you receive for watching this is: You get to piss off some Facebook moms who think that the LGBTQ+ community is infiltrating the North Pole dressed up as the Grinch to steal Christmas from them!
Schindler’s List is the perfect movie to get anyone in the holiday spirit. It’s about a guy who has a list and he can’t, like, find his groceries, because his list is confusing to him, because he can’t read hewbro, the hybrid language of gym Jews. Anyway, he finally gets his groceries but they are out of protein powder at the store. So sad but so true—in this society we rely too much on protein powder and not enough on Jews. Hug a Jew this Christmas with Schindler’s List.
P.S. By the way, I’m Jewish, don’t attack me, liberal media.
Sexy Elf XXX is the perfect movie to watch with your family this Christmas! It stars 7 little people who are really eager to please their master Santa Claus. It starts out with some nice softcore moments like tender kisses on a candy cane, and some light stocking play. Once the elves are lubed up with desire, Santa manages to fit himself into every chimney. But coals are not the only thing you should avoid this Christmas! If you’ve been as naughty as these elves then it’s no surprise, you too will receive a heaping dump of coals on your chest. With so much brown and black all over their bodies you’d almost think that it was an army of Zwarte Piets, which is just one of the things you should avoid this Christmas season, like coal, not because it’s black but because it’s racist. So really, my recommendation is to watch 12 years a Slave, a harrowing story of a man sent away in the South for twelve years, his life seemingly condemned to the worst atrocities committed from man to man while beautiful landscapes hide gut wrenching realities of the past. Damn was this a heartbreaker, like the main actor, who I would bang so hard he might just shatter into seven tiny elves.
I feel like the previous recommendations got you covered in terms of things you can watch at Christmas, so mine’s a thing you can do at Christmas. And then continue to do it every day for the rest of your life, because it’s fantastic. It’s laying on the floor. On your back, on your stomach, on your side: the choice is yours. Starfish, seduce someone with the French girl pose, or squeeze your nose flat. Surprise your loved ones with this unexpected move this holiday season! They’ll love to see you floorish. Rejoice in the freedom of being able to, at any given moment, stop what you’re doing and go lay on the floor. Nothing’s stopping you, except social protocol and your ego, neither of which was that great to start with. If it’s just too hard at first, a rug’s got you covered. Then become an expert at lying on different types of floors. Explore your wingspan and cover as much of the surface as you can. Fuck “floor is lava”. Become one with the parquet. Merge with the bathroom tiles. Maybe go full chameleon. Try getting vacuumed or stepped on, see what that’s like. Just steer clear of laminate flooring.
I feel personally attacked by the laminate flooring comment, as I find that getting stepped on is the best on fake wood. Anyway, this Christmas I recommend dissociating completely from your immediate world while watching Shrek! After my friends found out I have never watched any of the Shrek movies, I was ambushed, tied up and forced to watch Shrek (my BDSM dreams coming true—with a twist!). I have to say, I didn’t hate it, and what really helped was imagining Shrek as a communist. Next step: Google “Shrek (2001), a Marxist Analysis” (an old gem) and truly live for a second. I can’t tell you what to do, but I plan on watching the rest of the Shrek movies, get ready for revolution and chill in the swamp of old memes. You’re welcome to join!
My Christmas recommendation to you is to buy yourself a new copy of your ultimate favorite book. You can buy yourself presents too, you know! Holiday times can get really overwhelming, especially in a year like 2020. Whether you are able to see your friends and family or not this year, a brand new beautiful copy of your favorite book will always do the trick. It’ll allow you to take a step back from holiday chaos with a familiar, loving story, or give you that sense of coming home a little bit anyways, if that’s something you’re not able to do this year. Bonus points if your old copy is a falling-apart paperback—it’s time to splurge on that anniversary edition hardcover with the new foreword! Take some time for yourself this holiday season ❤
My Christmas recommendation is for those who have never really felt the Christmas spirit, like myself. Christmas has never been a major thing for me; the only reason I do like it is because my grandparents come and have dinner with us and we play a game afterwards. So, for everyone who doesn’t necessarily celebrate Christmas, my recommendation would be to visit grandparents and other family members and loved ones and have some fun, maybe play a board game like we do at my home. Even during these times of social distancing there are lots of ways to reach out, maybe play a game online or video call them (even my 85 year-old grandma who does not understand technology at all learned how to use Skype to keep in touch). For me, who never really felt as elated during Christmas as others seem to be, Christmas is about sitting down with family and just having a laugh, so go play that board game and catch up with your loved ones.
We hope you enjoy these recommendations, and if you decide to watch/do any of them, let us know by tagging us on Instagram, Twitter or Facebook with your thoughts! We wish you a very merry Christmas!