Writer’s Block Christmas Interview 2019

The Festive Fest Festival Season Feason is here, which means only one thing: another interview with the amazing board of Writer’s Block Magazine! Some statistics before we start: 5 out of 9 board members are heathens dog-people, while the other four intellectuals prefer cats. At least one of us has never seen Home Alone. Luckily enough, all of us think the UvA Roeterseiland campus is the ugliest UvA building.

Grab your favorite Christmas drink while your favorite Christmas smell is surrounding you with your favorite Christmas song playing in the background, look around to see if either Waldo or the FBI is somewhere near and then, if you also know that Santa does not exist (oops), please proceed to read the interview of the decade.  

Q: How did you find out that life is meaningless?

  • baby monkey: I thought this was supposed to be festive </3
  • research-design: death came for me
  • PrincessConsuelaBananaHammock: I attended a Philosophy of the Humanities class
  • Ambuerra: Oh. :'(( 
  • GamerPres2020: Portal.
  • Terastodon: I read Albert Camus’ “The Myth of Sisyphus”
  • Hulk Rogan: Life is an anagram for file
  • Sebastian Alcocer Pous: Sinterklaas told me
  • Vanilla Thunder: What doth lyff?

Q: What would your perfect day look like?

  • Research-design: an infinite loop of me discovering new paintings that make me gasp
  • Terastodon: Wake up, 9am, workout, stretch/yoga, meditate, shower with music at full volume, take LSD, go to the Escher in het Paleis, stay there with a notebook to write things down, take ecstasy, go out clubbing, dance my ass off, take ket, smoke weed, watch Enter the Void, sleep.
  • baby monkey: I eat loads of food, all my family are there, everyone gives me new stuff all day. Oh wait that’s Christmas, roll on the 25th so I can live out my dreams. 

Q: How did you find out Santa doesn’t exist?

  • GamerPres2020: Let’s not jump to conclusions.
  • PrincessConsuelaBananaHammock: Lies!
  • Vanilla Thunder: He doesn’t? 😦
  • Sebastian Alcocer Pous: Sinterklaas told me
  • baby monkey: I asked my mum why Santa can give us all presents but can’t cure world hunger and she had to tell me the truth
  • Terastodon: Every Christmas my family would put out sugar cookies for Santa; those were my favorite cookies and when I was five I decided that they would be better in my stomach than Santa’s. The next morning the parents told all the kids that Santa had eaten them but I knew, I knew…
  • Ambuera: Well, when I was young we celebrated Sinterklaas instead of Santa. Around the age of 8-ish my grandma joined our Sinterklaas-eve, and said “Oh I sure remember when I found out that Sinterklaas doesn’t exist!” She then looked at me; “Oh wait a minute…” When my mom took me aside to talk about it I was in total denial and said “Well, whatever, as if I’m telling her that Jesus doesn’t exist!”. I think pieces started falling into place for me shortly after that. 
  • research-design: I conducted a longitudinal experiment which made me find discrepancies in accounts on the whereabouts of a man commonly known as Santa resulting in the conclusion that the man, in fact, is fake news
  • Hulk Rogan: Santa is an anagram for Satan

Q: What’s your favorite Christmas beverage?

  • GamerPres2020: I once underestimated the temperature of a hot chocolate and burned my tongue so bad I couldn’t taste anymore. That’s a lie, hot chocolates can do no wrong and are therefore Christmas canon.
  • PrincessConsuelaBananaHammock: Mulled wine and the blood of my enemies
  • Hulk Rogan: Lava

Q: What is your favorite Christmas song?

  • baby monkey: Baby it’s cold outside. Singing both parts of the duet is my favourite form of endurance training
  • research-design: that one song about felix being a dad
  • Terastodon: I grew up in a religious household, I hate Christmas music.
  • GamerPres2020: “Ik ben je zat” by Ali B & Brace

Q: What is your favorite Christmas memory?

  • Vanilla Thunder: Time is a social construct
  • research-design: as a result of having no lsd-card i am quite sad to share the fact that i have no memories

Q: What is your favorite scene from Home Alone?

  • GamerPres2020: Did you know Home Alone had a tie-in video game series that was released on different platforms and each platform was a different version of the game? So imagine watching three Home Alone movies when you can play six Home Alone games. Exactly.
  • Terastodon: Any scene where he’s in his underwear. Oh, sorry, there’s a knock at the door.

Q: Name one smell that reminds you of Christmas.

  • Terastodon: Oh hello FBI, just filling in a little quiz here. 
  • baby monkey: The chemically made smell of sickly cinnamon in all the cheap Christmas candles I buy myself in the hopes they’ll make me feel more festive 
  • PrincessConsuelaBananaHammock: Oranges, cinnamon and the tension that builds up before all my relatives start fighting

Q: If you had to give someone the most bizarre Christmas present of all time, what would it be?

  • Terastodon: No sir, the computer was a Christmas gift, I have no idea how “Home Alone: but only the scenes in his underwear” got on there, bizarre gift I know.
  • Sebastian Alcocer Pous: A statue of a guinea pig wearing a pirate hat and flossing its octagon teeth with a miniature guinea pig, made of mashed potatoes 
  • Vanilla Thunder: A life-size cutout of Steve Buscemi with giant googly eyes stuck on his face.

Q: Come up with the title of the next big Christmas album.

  • Terastodon: No sir, I will not be treated in this manner, I don’t care how tight you grip my balls, I’m not gonna squeal and sing like a pig.
  • Hulk Rogan: Why is this a compulsory question
  • Vanilla Thunder: Jesus Snaps Back
  • research-design: I Used IBM SPSS Statistics To Decorate the Christmas Tree (self-administered)
  • Sebastian Alcocer Pous: Ringalingadingdongdipshit: Songs you’ve heard too many times now poorly performed by some other shitty artist (every song is a bunch of bell noises)
  • Ambuerra: A Very Merry Berry Cherry Fairy Gary Christmas. I don’t know who Gary is. 
  • GamerPres2020: Gullibility Check
  • PrincessConsuelaBananaHammock: “How dare you say Happy Holidays? It’s CHRISTMAS MOTHERFUCKER”-Warm Christmas Memories
  • baby monkey: RIP Mariah Carey

Q: What one piece of art that you love (book, movie, game, painting etc) do you wish you had created yourself? Why?

  • baby monkey: I’m satisfied with my favourite things being created by someone else 
  • GamerPres2020: Christmas.

Q: Was the big bang really that loud or did it seem louder ‘cause there were no other noises to drown it out?

  • baby monkey: Pointless but interesting question that I don’t know the answer to 
  • Terastodon: FBI Agent here, that big bang was not a gunshot, the screams are just part of your imagination.
  • Vanilla Thunder: Are we even sure that it really happened and that it’s not something made up by the lizard people that run the world?
  • GamerPres2020: Do noises really drown out other noises or are we just accustomed to noise which makes noises sound softer or louder?
  • PrincessConsuelaBananaHammock: Maybe it was just the overwhelming sound of loneliness c:
  • Sebastian Alcocer Pous: If the big bang happens but there is no one around to give a shit, did it even happen at all?
  • Ambuerra: Why yes, of course, silly. 
  • Hulk Rogan: The Big Bang was loud because he felt small inside, small and insecure.
  • research-design: an extensive cross-sectional research conducted by my dear colleagues at the university of writer’s block in which both factors posed in this question were juxtaposed resulted in the conclusion that it does not matter

Q: Would you rather be able to fly or freeze time?

  • Terastodon: If I could go back in time instead of freezing it, say, to when I was the age of Macauley Caulkin when he did Home Alone
  • GamerPres2020: Yes
  • PrincessConsuelaBananaHammock: smoke without the health issues
  • Vanilla Thunder: Fly
  • Ambuerra, baby monkey, Sebastian Alcocer Pous, and Hulk Rogan: Freeze time
  • research-design: freeze myself

Q: Where is Waldo?

  • Ambuerra: Waldo is always somewhere near you in a range of 10 meters. The reason you didn’t know is that he always stays within your blind spot. Looking at you. 
  • Hulk Rogan: Waldo is an anagram for O Lawd
  • GamerPres2020: Definitely not fucking here
  • Vanilla Thunder: Everyone asks where is Waldo, but no one asks HOW is Waldo. . . 

Q: Which fictional character would you like to punch in the face? 

  • baby monkey: Voldemort, I wonder if he would get a nose bleed? 
  • Sebastian Alcocer Pous: Batman, because cut the crap you sound ridiculous
  • Terastodon: Holy shit it worked, I’m in the year 1990 and the FBI is gone! Where the fuck is that little shit.

Q: How did you find out God doesn’t exist?

  • Sebastian Alcocer Pous: Ah come on, don’t spoil the ending
  • Ambuerra: I found out the minute after I was born, of course. 
  • research-design: a snowball sampling method was utilized, leading to the conclusion that the phenomenon god is a figment of our imagination
  • Vanilla Thunder: Whomst?
  • Terastodon: I saw a horse get beaten to death.
  • GamerPres2020: The Sims.
  • Hulk Rogan: God is an anagram for dog
  • PrincessConsuelaBananaHammock: I spilled coffee on my laptop and it was fine; if there was a God he wouldn’t have missed that opportunity to punish me for my sins.
  • baby monkey: I don’t remember a time when I thought God did exist 

Q: What is (the actual question to) the ultimate answer to life, the universe and everything?

  • Sebastian Alcocer Pous: 42?
  • Ambuerra: Live, Laugh, Love ❤
  • Terastodon: What, doth, layfff?

Q: What do you call a bear stuck in the rain?

  • GamerPres2020: I’ll google it later.
  • Ambuerra: A drizzly pear for sure. I Googled that one. 
  • PrincessConsuelaBananaHammock: WHYYYY? The answer to both this question and the ultimate answer to life is: unbearable

Q: If you had to choose one song to listen to for the rest of your life, which one would it be?

Q: Would your ten-year-old self be happy with your present day self?

  • Terastodon: He would probably spend the whole day being disappointed in all the things I’ve done until I show him that I have my OWN video game console.
  • GamerPres2020: Bold of you to assume I am not ten anymore. Also, yes.
  • Vanilla Thunder: She’s 11 so shut the fuck up
  • PrincessConsuelaBananaHammock: Nope, cause I’m not dead yet

Q: If you had to move to a different country tomorrow, where would you go? 

  • PrincessConsuelaBananaHammock: Fryslân
  • GamerPres2020: Friesland.

Q: If you had to choose any character to pop up in your enemy’s nightmares for the rest of their lives, who would it be?

  • baby monkey: The kid who replaced Macaulay Culkin in Home Alone 3
  • research-design: Jaclyn Hill with the voice of James Charles
  • Vanilla Thunder: Any character played by Neil Breen, that guy triggers my fight or flight response

Q: Would you rather exist within the universe of a video game or of a book? Which one? Why?

  • GamerPres2020: I mean, come on. 
  • Terastodon: I’ve always wanted to be a character in SpongeBob, it’s been my favorite cartoon ever since I was a kid and it technically has two movies. Why you ask? Cause “you don’t need a driver’s license to drive a sandwich”.
  • Vanilla Thunder: Would want to be one of the knitting ladies watching people get guillotined in A Tale of Two Cities

Q: Any new years’ resolutions (to eventually forget about after the first week of January)? 🙂

  • PrincessConsuelaBananaHammock: Watch something different than Friends for once
  • Vanilla Thunder: make good use of that gym membership that I keep paying for even though I never fucking go
  • research-design: buy my own pack of cigarettes haha just kidding unless … ?

From all of us at Writer’s Block, we wish you happy holidays!

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