Writer's Block Magazine

We are often taught that freedom means to have the ability to choose. Our everyday lives are fraught with choices to the point where it sometimes seems as if choosing is all we do all day long. 

Think about the simple act of ordering a coffee: do you want it hot or iced? With cow’s milk, oat milk, soy milk or maybe black? Do you want brown sugar or white sugar or artificial sweetener that’s ‘healthy’ but most likely contains carcinogens? Do you want the coffee to sit in or take away? And if you do decide to drink it on the go, what kind of cup would you like it to be in? And would you like to pay by card or cash? And would you then maybe also like to tip the poor barista who had to learn all of these questions by heart to make you feel like you really are in charge of customising the perfect coffee in their establishment? 5% or 10% or maybe 15%? But, oh actually, would you maybe like a little sweet treat to go with your coffee? No? What a pity because there is such a wide range to choose from… 

I have been wondering about the implications of having the freedom to choose. It goes without saying that choice is inherently tied up with privilege and that one of the core principles of living in a democratic state naturally has to be the personal freedom of doing and saying as one pleases. But what I am interested in today is the act of choosing on a more personal level. In our modern day and age it seems as if flexibility is the be-all and end-all to pretty much every endeavour one might pursue. One can work remotely from anywhere in the world, find a new person to date every single day, never go to the same workout class twice by using an app like ClassPass, and consume an endless amount of online content on TikTok or Instagram without it turning stale because there is always something new and exciting right around the corner. And isn’t it so fun? Isn’t it so refreshing to have the freedom of always fantasising about the next new thing, the next trend that will be over before you can blink twice, and the next love interest that you’ll have forgotten about by the time you’re done checking your emails? 

I have been a creature of habit pretty much all my life, as I am sure many of us are. But lately I have felt the strange impulse to interrogate some of the habits that I stick to, to reevaluate them if you will. And so I went out of my way to try a new juice at Joe & the Juice after consistently ordering the same one for the past four years. And I also went out of my way to try a new brand of Greek yogurt when they did not have my usual one in stock. And I also, quite literally, went out of my way when I decided to change up my daily walking routes and take a different way home from university. None of these new experiences were inherently good or bad, they were perfectly adequate and did not alter the overall quality of my life in the slightest. But do you know what they also were not? Freeing! And that is when the penny suddenly dropped for me. All my life, I have been struggling with my tendency to feel things very deeply, with my natural propensity of being ‘too sensitive’ and of ‘thinking too much.’ I find comfort in my routines, in my habits, in having a plan and sticking to it. But that does not mean that I cannot break free from them, au contraire, I believe that my lack of flexibility might actually be a sign of strength. In a world where everything is constantly in flux, everything is fleeting and superficial, it is a blessing in disguise to be a person that holds on to things. 

In her novel How Should A Person Be?, originally published in 2010, Sheila Heti writes of the “puer aeternus—the eternal child—Peter Pan—the boy who never grows up, who never becomes a man” (83). According to Heti, the puer aeternus is emblematic of people who “will suddenly tell you they have another plan, and they always do it the moment things start getting difficult” (84). Importantly, Heti maintains that “Puers don’t need to check themselves into analysis. If they can just remember this —It is their everlasting switching that is the dangerous thing, not what they choose—they might discover themselves saved”(85). Indeed, it is precisely this ‘everlasting switching’ that is heralded by society as the epitome of freedom which obfuscates what freedom truly ought to feel like. Having the freedom to choose means having the freedom to create a life that is meaningful to you. It does not mean to go on choosing every single day but having none of those choices leave a mark. It does not mean to make flexibility your whole identity. 

As the protagonist in Heti’s novel remarks:

I said to myself, You are only given one. The one you are given is the one to put a fence around. Life is not a harvest. Just because you have an apple doesn’t mean you have an orchard. You have an apple. Put a fence around it. Once you have put a fence around everything you value, then you have the total circle of your heart. (300)

For me, this paragraph hits the nail on the head. It is not in the act of choosing but in the object of our choosing that true value resides. What good does all the flexibility do, the endless choosing, the everlasting search for the next thing, if at the end of the day you have nothing to truly call your own. In a way, I have found great liberty in telling myself that this is it. It is freeing to not be flexible all the time and to simply stick to the things that move me on a deeper level. I might feel my emotions very deeply but I no longer think that this is something to be ashamed of, I rather believe it to be a daring act. When I recognise something to be my apple, I don’t go looking for a pear or an orange just to compare. When I hold the apple in my hand, this is it and it is mine.

Written by Emilia Rieth

Heti, Sheila. How Should a Person Be? Penguin Random House, 2023.

Image source: “Chalisa Apple Fruit Seed Product Image.” Flipkart, https://www.flipkart.com/chalisa-apple-apple-fruit-seed/p/itm021fc26ad227b. Accessed 1 May 2025.