Writer's Block Magazine

Despite the ambiguities that my English Literature degree has encouraged me to seek out in poetry and novels: read between the lines, behind the sentence or even at a stretch, beyond the syllable, I have tended to look at life through a black and white lens. I have been known to favour arguments that clearly separate right from wrong, hero from villain and often leave little room for anything in between. Categorising decisions in this way offers a false sense of security when it comes to deciphering good from bad. However, as I have been more recently confronted with the complexities of people, emotions and decision making I have had to reckon with this false notion of black and white thinking, and have come to realise that life is a little more grey. People make mistakes, contradictory emotions can coexist and intermingle, and decisions are not always straightforward.

Mental Health

Black and white thinking is also known as thinking in dichotomies or extremes, such as having the perception that you are either always right or an utter failure. Negative self-talk that reflects this kind of thinking is evident in a phrase like, “my friends never invite me out”, or after struggling to learn something new exclaiming, “I’m never going to be good at this, I always fail”. Although sometimes unhealthy, perceiving the world in these absolute terms was once necessary for survival. As highlighted in an article by BetterHelp, our brains have a “predisposition to emphasise negative thinking” as at one point in history it was vital to be on the lookout for the “threat of predators and the wilderness”. However, in contemporary society, we don’t face these threats in the same way and as a result, our inclination towards negative thinking has seeped into other parts of our lives: friendships, relationships and our careers. 

“seeking out the shades of grey in your thinking will be beneficial and is a truer reflection of reality.”

Framing your life through these absolute terms can feed into self-esteem issues and set in motion a perpetual cycle of rejecting opportunities, which in turn further support your beliefs. For example, if you have the belief, “I will never succeed in my career”, you may become less inclined to seek out work opportunities or job interviews. You are also more likely to internalise any work rejections, as they reinforce your black and white thinking and further sediment your mind’s negative self-talk. This isn’t to say that you can’t doubt yourself or that you need to ensure your thoughts are positive at all times because this isn’t very helpful advice either. However, altering your perception slightly and seeking out the shades of grey in your thinking will be beneficial and is a truer reflection of reality. For example, to challenge the statement “I will never succeed in my career”, you could write down or mentally note times in which you have succeeded and your positive traits and accomplishments in your life so far. Unfortunately for many of us our minds find it easy to ruminate on negative beliefs, it can be a struggle to readjust your perspective but in the long run it is worth it. Everyone has different coping mechanisms when it comes to tackling their irritating inner critic. For some, viewing this voice as a judgemental friend can be a helpful way to take their chatter less seriously. Some therapists even recommend giving your inner voice a name to create a sense of distance, next time your thoughts whisper, “no one likes you”, label her Karen and laugh off her judgement. 

“remove the glossy mirage of trying to be “perfect” and this way of living reveals itself to be unsustainable”

Criticising Our Parents

As cliché and frankly irritating as it is to admit, growing up often means realising that your parents were right, and things you condemned or judged them for are not as transparent as they once looked through our clear and untainted eight-year-old eyes. This evolution of perception is to be expected, as we grow and change so does our outlook on life. As children it is natural to observe the world through a simpler, “good” or “bad” lens. However as the years pass and we experience more and more, the world reveals itself to be complex, we make mistakes, experience heartbreak, grief, anger, love and sometimes a jumble of all of them at once. There comes a point when the perfect, untarnished image of our parents cracks just a little and the realisation hits us, they are just people too. Of course objectively we know that our parents are human, but we often tend to view them through a childlike black and white lens. They are either the idealised hero or selfish villain, they could never let us down or they’re always to blame, their advice is gospel or they’re always in the wrong. Grappling with the fact that usually neither of these options are true allows us to empathise with our parents more. Grey thinking is vital to maintaining these relationships.

“strive for good enough”

Perfectionism Pitfalls

Black and white thinking is also closely related to perfectionism. This involves placing an immense amount of pressure and expectation on ourselves to succeed. This doesn’t seem like the most loving way of perceiving ourselves, right? On the surface, identifying as a perfectionist can feel like a compliment, but remove the glossy mirage of trying to be “perfect” and this way of living reveals itself to be unsustainable. As noted in Psychology Today, “perfectionism is a schema that recognises just two categories of performance: perfect and unsatisfactory”. This way of thinking can be detrimental to our self-confidence as anything just shy of perfection appears to be a failure. Competitive academic, work and even familial environments can perpetuate this way of thinking and comparison, as always, only makes things worse. Pouring most of your self-worth into academic validation or exterior accomplishments is extremely tempting and something I have been guilty of in the past, but inevitably at some point you will fall short of your expectations (because you’re human!) and your sense of self may crumble. Life is full of unforeseen obstacles, setbacks and pauses which are out of our control. Attempting to maintain perfection in all areas of life is unkind and unfair to yourself. Missing the highest grade on an essay, taking time out of university, switching career paths or skipping your rigorous gym routine doesn’t make you a failure, it just makes you a person. As one of my lecturer’s advised me when I was in a panic about my essay, “strive for good enough”.

Life Is Complicated and so Are People

All-or-nothing thinking can even bleed into our friendships as we begin to set unrealistic expectations for our friends. You might find yourself asking questions like, are they always there for me when I need them, do they share my opinions, do we have exactly the same sense of humour, do they make me feel entirely understood? These are tough expectations to live up to and can lead us to feel alone and unseen. However, grey thinking allows us to take into account the changes in our friend’s life and the nuances to each situation: we may consider that they have a lot on their plate or they find it overwhelming to have to reply to everyone on their phone. We can even start to look inward and ask ourselves some questions: do I allow myself to be fully seen, am I feeling particularly insecure at the moment, am I projecting? Unfortunately, life is not straightforward. Black and white thinking also fails to serve us when we experience conflict or disagreements with others. Whilst it is tempting to paint ourselves as the hero, consistently in the right (and as online trends love to promote, the main character), ultimately this can be detrimental and prevent us from empathising with others. In a disagreement it is natural to root for yourself, we are mostly self-interested individuals and make decisions based on our own needs, however grey thinking casts a misty hue over who’s in the right and who’s in the wrong, revealing the motives, experiences and justifications of the other person. Grey thinking allows a more nuanced approach to situations and seeks to find the balance between your truth and their truth. 

Whilst it often feels easier to think simply through the lens of “right and wrong”, “good and bad”, life doesn’t lend itself to this all-or-nothing lens. Life is annoyingly complex and confusing and deserves to be approached in this way. Next time you feel yourself falling into black and white thinking, try your best to look for the shades of grey.

Written by Amy Larsen

Work cited:

BetterHelp Editorial Team. “How Black and White Thinking Affects You | Betterhelp.”

http://www.betterhelp.com, April 12, 2023. https://www.betterhelp.com/advice/personality disorders/how-black-and-white-thinking-affects-you/.

Shapiro, Jeremy. “Finding Goldilocks: A Solution for Black-And-White Thinking |

Psychology Today United Kingdom.” http://www.psychologytoday.com, May 1, 2020. https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/thinking-in-black-white-and gray/202005/finding-goldilocks-solution-black-and-white-thinking.

Shapiro, Jeremy. “The Thought Process Underlying Perfectionism | Psychology Today.” http://www.psychologytoday.com, December 31, 2020. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/thinking-in-black-white-and gray/202012/the-thought-process-underlying-perfectionism.