Top 9 things to ask on the first date (number 5 will shock you!)

Do you have a first date coming up soon? We all understand that dating can be an extremely complex, confusing, and frankly terrifying affair. The butterflies fluttering around in your stomach, and sometimes bursting out of your mouth, can make first dates a scary event to tackle. Getting to know someone through asking questions can aid in discovering what kind of person they are and understanding if you are compatible together. Now that you know it’s important to ask questions, you may be wondering “What questions should I ask?”, well, look no further! I have compiled a list of the perfect questions to pick at your date’s brain and get you one step closer to finding “The One”.

  1. What is their favorite alcoholic beverage?

Although this question might seem fairly inconspicuous at first it can really tell you a lot about a person. If their favorite drink is beer, then you know you’ve found a casual cat who is easy to please. If their favorite drink is red wine, they are probably a more mature person who can keep a steady, intellectual conversation going. If their favorite drink is white wine then they are devoid of taste buds and should have a small pocket knife blade shoved directly into their eye socket, not enough to draw out blood but enough to lobotomize them because they do not deserve to have conscious thought. If their favorite drink is fruity such as a vodka cranberry or a Piña Colada, then they are probably a fun party machine who you can expect lots of giggles with!

  1. Have they ever committed ethnic cleansing?

Now, I will admit, this question can be a bit of an awkward Allison. For many, ethnic cleansing can be a deal breaker. If they answer yes it leaves the unfortunate elephants in the room of “what if they decide my people aren’t pure and tries to murder me?” Follow up questions are your best friend in these situations! Don’t allow your mind to fester, simply ask them what race they were trying to eliminate. If they say a race that isn’t yours then congratulations, you’re in the clear! If it was your race then I’m sorry to say but it likely won’t work out, but never fear! There are plenty of fish in the sea for you to hunt!

  1. Have they ever pegged or been pegged?

If you are wondering how adventurous your date is then this is the question to ask! It is the perfect amount of subtlety without being too in-between the lines. This question is very good for gauging sexual compatibility. If they answer no and that they would never want to, clearly they are a bit vanilla and if that isn’t your flavor it might pose a problem for the future of your relationship. If they answer “No but that they are willing to give it a shot” or “Yes I have, many times” then you know you have a person who is open to trying new things or adventuring together in the future like a roller-skating date or maybe even skydiving!

  1. If your date is a man, what are their thoughts on female comedians? 

This is a very essential discovery question. The answer given can give you key information on your date. If they say “Yes, what are your favorites?” then you can plant a green flag for this date. If they say “no, I just don’t really find female comics funny.” Then run as fast as you can! You sadly have a redpiller on your hands. You must terminate the date immediately because redpillers cannot be procreating and spreading their idiotic ideas onto future generations. In fact, if you do find yourself a redpiller in the wild please report them to 1-800-KILL-MEN-FOR-THE-FEMINIST-AGENDA for immediate chemical castration. More information on this lovely nonprofit organization can be found on www.fucksmalldickedmen.org. Alternatively, If the date happens to be a woman and replies “I just don’t think women are as funny as men” then you have found a pick-me. Pick-me women, although not as dangerous as redpillers, do require vast amounts of validation and attempt to get it through putting women down and elevating men. Pick-mes are very useful if you are looking for a cumdumpster but not as valuable for the long-term.

  1. What is their favorite season?

Asking someone what their favorite weather is can give you insights as to how their minds function. If someone’s favorite season is summer, then they are classic. They likely take time for the simple things in life and will be a fairly upbeat, positive person to be around. If they like the fall, they are probably more of a cozy person who you could expect lots of nice walks or Netflix and hot coco dates with. If they like the spring then they likely appreciate the beauty in the world and don’t mind getting a bit wet from the rain, meaning they might have an adventurous side. If they like the winter, then they are probably a Nazi sympathizer.

  1. Do they watch the Joe Rogan Experience?

If they answer yes then run.

  1. At what age did they start watching porn?

Pornography is the backbone of any healthy childhood. Determining whether your partner was a late bloomer or early to the party can help you better understand whether you’ll be compatible or not. If they happen to say that they’ve never watched porn then you have most likely found yourself on a date with an Amish person, a liar, or even worse, a lying Amish person. If you have found yourself in such a situation the only correct move is to ask if you can ride in one of their horse and buggy thingies. An opportunity so rare such as that cannot be given up, so you better take it!

  1. How long do they spend on the toilet in the morning?

 This question, although uncomfortable, is an important question to get out of the way. If they answer that they sit on the toilet for more than 20 minutes at a time then they might be susceptible to hemorrhoids. How are you going to start a future with someone whose backside is constantly in pain? It shows weakness and vulnerability and not in the sexy way like when Jess, from the early 2000s hit The Gilmore Girls, subtly reveals his insecurities to Rory, breaking down the hard shell of emotional blockage he had created over the years as a defense mechanism, finally opening up to other people and perhaps reversing childhood trauma caused by his absent and likely drug addicted mother. No, hemorrhoids are simply not sexy in that way.

  1. What is their favorite conspiracy theory?

Finding out a person’s favorite conspiracy theory can tell you a lot about them faster than you can say cheese Louise! If they are global warming denier then they will probably be as hot in bed as the earth’s polar ice caps are. If they believe Hillary Clinton is secretly an alien sent to destroy the Republican party using her laser-equipped labia then they might not be good for a second date, but at least you got some free food! If they are a Holocaust-denier then, I’m sorry, you should probably end the date, or alternatively order very hot soup and accidentally drop it on their genitals so they cannot reproduce and create spawn. If they are a flat-Earther then look no further, you have found Mr. Right!

I hope this list was of help to you in your future dating endeavors. It might be hard to find the perfect match but with this article and some strong determination I guarantee you’ll find the one for you! If this article did not help then you are probably unlovable and will die alone because no one will ever care about you.


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